Hey Joe Chandler...I have this feeling that you won't be checking this until you get back to work tomorrow. Part of me wants to inundate you with comments. Just flood your system. So that you will have like 1000s of comments and YOU WILL BE OVERWHELMED and done in by your own blog.
And I know I'm gay and all, but I don't get why Eva Longoria is Maxim's #1 hot chick on their list of 100 hot chicks. I mean, is Eva Longoria really hot?
Because (and I am ashamed to admit I watch Desperate Housewives) (but I'm already watching so much other TV on Sunday nights, I figure I might as well watch Desperate Housewives too) (even though I hate it) (I mean, I really hate it) (more than I hate James Blunt) (I actually am kinda fascinated by James Blunt and I can't turn the radio station when they start to play that awful "I'm beautiful" song, even though I think it's an awful, terrible song) (but I hate Desperate Housewives more than James Blunt) (yet I still watch it) (I'm a complicated person, Joe Chandler) (but even though I watch [and hate] Desperate Housewives, I still fast forward through the Eva Longoria scenes, which means I hate her storylines even more than the others, which is a lot) (they are just boring) (but I guess Maxim isn't after "interesting" girls) (it's all about tits and ass) (i just don't "get" Eva Longoria) (if I was straight, would I be slobbering all over her?) (just asking) (I forget what I was going to say after the word "because" at the beginning of this trail of thoughts)
When I was in third grade, I kept this journal, and in the journal, instead of writing my thoughts down, I just wrote what I ate every day. It wasn't like I was on a diet or anything. I just wanted to keep a record. Because I like lists. So it would read, like:
Weds, May 17:
Dear Diary, Today I had corn flakes for breakfast. Then, for lunch I had a chicken sandwich and blueberry yogurt, and some almunds (which I purposely misspelled just now, as an adult, to emulate my child self, who was a really bad speller), and a Kudos bar, and a soda. Then for dinner, I ate a hamburger and fries. See you tomorrow!
That would have been a typical journal (or "diary") entry.
Then one day, I remember I was at school, and these two girls, Apple (yes her name was really Apple) (LONG BEFORE GWYNETH NAMED HER KID APPLE) and Lisa (I remember very specifically that it was Apple and Lisa, and I remember their last names, too, but I am not going to print their last names because I don't want them to self-google and then find this story and realize how much they DAMAGED ME), well, Apple and Lisa had gone through my desk and they had found my "diary" and they were reading it and I came into the room and found them reading it and they were laughing and they started reading it aloud and they thought it was just HY-LARIOUS that all I wrote about was food.
That's really what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today, except I lied about the Kudos bar, I didn't have a Kudos bar, I just used to eat Kudos bars a lot when I was a kid, though now that I keep typing the name "Kudos bar" I'm starting to get paranoid that that's not what they're called.
The above comments probably make me sound crazy (which ones, you're asking?), but they're quotes from my favorite Gilda Radner SNL sketch and when you're filibustering YOU PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS!
43 Comments:
OH. My. FREAKING. God.
Steve, I'm really sorry for how petty Joe Chandler is.
I'm the only person who comments on this blog.
Hey Joe Chandler...I have this feeling that you won't be checking this until you get back to work tomorrow. Part of me wants to inundate you with comments. Just flood your system. So that you will have like 1000s of comments and YOU WILL BE OVERWHELMED and done in by your own blog.
Yes, part of me really wants to do that.
But I won't. I mean, I have a life you know.
I have a freaking life. AND i have my own goddamned blog that I'm ignoring.
It's really hard to wake up at six in the morning when you're used to sleeping in until 9ish.
Especially when you have a hard time falling asleep before 1 or 2. (Even if you try try TRY to go to sleep much much MUCH earlier.)
I am dogsitting right now and my hands SO smell like dog.
Not in a bad way, just, like...I mean, they just do.
I really hate James Blunt.
And I know I'm gay and all, but I don't get why Eva Longoria is Maxim's #1 hot chick on their list of 100 hot chicks. I mean, is Eva Longoria really hot?
Because (and I am ashamed to admit I watch Desperate Housewives) (but I'm already watching so much other TV on Sunday nights, I figure I might as well watch Desperate Housewives too) (even though I hate it) (I mean, I really hate it) (more than I hate James Blunt) (I actually am kinda fascinated by James Blunt and I can't turn the radio station when they start to play that awful "I'm beautiful" song, even though I think it's an awful, terrible song) (but I hate Desperate Housewives more than James Blunt) (yet I still watch it) (I'm a complicated person, Joe Chandler) (but even though I watch [and hate] Desperate Housewives, I still fast forward through the Eva Longoria scenes, which means I hate her storylines even more than the others, which is a lot) (they are just boring) (but I guess Maxim isn't after "interesting" girls) (it's all about tits and ass) (i just don't "get" Eva Longoria) (if I was straight, would I be slobbering all over her?) (just asking) (I forget what I was going to say after the word "because" at the beginning of this trail of thoughts)
I OWN YOU.
Sixteenth!
When I was in third grade, I kept this journal, and in the journal, instead of writing my thoughts down, I just wrote what I ate every day. It wasn't like I was on a diet or anything. I just wanted to keep a record. Because I like lists. So it would read, like:
Weds, May 17:
Dear Diary,
Today I had corn flakes for breakfast. Then, for lunch I had a chicken sandwich and blueberry yogurt, and some almunds (which I purposely misspelled just now, as an adult, to emulate my child self, who was a really bad speller), and a Kudos bar, and a soda. Then for dinner, I ate a hamburger and fries. See you tomorrow!
That would have been a typical journal (or "diary") entry.
Then one day, I remember I was at school, and these two girls, Apple (yes her name was really Apple) (LONG BEFORE GWYNETH NAMED HER KID APPLE) and Lisa (I remember very specifically that it was Apple and Lisa, and I remember their last names, too, but I am not going to print their last names because I don't want them to self-google and then find this story and realize how much they DAMAGED ME), well, Apple and Lisa had gone through my desk and they had found my "diary" and they were reading it and I came into the room and found them reading it and they were laughing and they started reading it aloud and they thought it was just HY-LARIOUS that all I wrote about was food.
So then I stopped keeping my food diary.
The diary entry above?
That's really what I ate for breakfast, lunch, and dinner today, except I lied about the Kudos bar, I didn't have a Kudos bar, I just used to eat Kudos bars a lot when I was a kid, though now that I keep typing the name "Kudos bar" I'm starting to get paranoid that that's not what they're called.
Have you ever heard of something called a filibuster, Joe Chandler?
Look it up.
I just got this email from Michael Showalter (of Wet Hot American Summer fame):
*
Hey Everyone, Tour's going great. Check us out at these final southerly
dates!
Thursday May 18th The Cat's Cradle, Carrboro, NC (919)967-9053
Friday May 19th, OTTO BAR, Baltimore, MD (410)662-0069
See you all there!
*
You should go see his show!
I am so fucking thirsty right now I could drink a horse.
It's not drink a horse, Fern--it's eat a horse.
Wait a second, I mean, you're not Fern; my name's Fern.
The above comments probably make me sound crazy (which ones, you're asking?), but they're quotes from my favorite Gilda Radner SNL sketch and when you're filibustering YOU PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS!
Buddy biy.
That's a typo, it should read:
"Buddy boy."
This is a really good blog, Joe Chandler. I like it.
Don't you sometimes wish you were British?
I do. Every day.
Because if I was British, that would most likely mean I lived in London.
Did you know Emily Maisano is moving to London for six months? How cool is that? I am really jealous.
HI STEVE. (Sorry about the pencil in your neck thing.)
I wonder if you're awake yet?
I SO want to go back to sleep right now, it's not even funny.
Do you know that your blog actually forbade me from leaving more comments last night? What the fuck is that about?
I'm naked right now.
I'm not naked anymore.
In case you were wondering.
You probably weren't.
But whatever.
Forty-one!!!
Sometimes I just come over to this blog to feel cool and be like "ahhhh Joe Chandler."
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